Thursday, April 20, 2006

 

The Mexian Chee-toe Incident


Now most people think I am the one that’s usually out causing chaos when really this is not the chase. It must be written in the stars or something that the chaos comes to me. No matter where I go, it will find me somewhere while I am just minding my own business.

Let’s just take my last trip to Puerto Vallarta for example (see photo). My friends and I were sitting outside in a nice bar next to the pool discussing important things like designer jeans and dance parties. When all of the sudden we hear all this hooting and hollering … a group of wild people run in who are obviously very drunk (note: it was not me who was drunk). About 4 guys and 4 girls… they seemed pretty straight and looked like they had just come out of Senior Frogs after a long day of drinking. The guys proceeded to strip down to their skivvies and dive into the pool then carry on to do lots of dirty dancing with their bitches in tow. Still soaking wet they run up to everyone’s table smacking each others asses. Then they come up to our table saying that they wanted money because they were poor college students. Oh please… I will donate to my own cause before this kind of nonsense. So they carry on waving their little pink gay for pay penises in our faces wanting cash. Instead of almonds or something on the table they had little plates of Chee-toes (they must be some kind of delicacy south of the boarder). I grabbed a handful of Chee-toes and stuffed them into one of the guys underwear… he didn’t seem to like my generosity so moved onto the next table. Now I am not really sure if these boys were really straight or not. It’s very possible they are on the bi-now-gay-later plan. But it just goes to show… Even spaghetti is straight until you cook it!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

 

Celebrare Easter... The Lord Has Risen!


This last weekend I headed down to the white party in Palm Springs. I’ve been to this weekend long Easter event a few times before. The parties weren’t as much fun as previous years but none the less still a VERY fun weekend with friends. Each time I head out with my wild cast of characters on any of these particular weekends there tends to bring new antics and trouble. I never really meant to cause so much trouble but accidentally, I did.

Me and my Russian accomplice Pavel went down to meet our friend Todd from Michigan for the festive weekend celebration. Keri, Atul, Jeff, Chris, Wes, Kurt were all also there to name a few. Todd had booked the room so I didn’t really realize we were staying in such a posh place. There was Rolls Royce’s and Bentleys lined up front. They even parked my Saab next to the Rolls… I felt so fancy. So I carried on into the weekend with my fancy self with champagne and other designer things.

Pavel and I were so drunk from champagne brunch we demanded that they let us drive one of the Bentleys parked out front. The valet supervisor was not amused. The management also didn’t appreciate that I was doing naked bowling with some of their decorative vases in front of the other hotel guests… OOPS!!

Keri also got very obnoxious… she jumped over a wall and fell into a cactus… then went on to harass some other hotel guests. But who can blame her, it was hot day and wall nor pokey cactus was going to keep her from a chilled and shaken martini. Needless to say the server was not pleased and wanted her to close out her check right away. Then he asked her for a tip… I told the waiter that if he wanted a tip I would give him one, so I did… I told him not to look directly at the sun. He got all pissy and stormed off. Good service is so hard to find.

It was at this point the management came and told us that if we didn’t shape up we would be asked to leave. Then we decided we had better go out and get something to eat in order to straighten up. We caused a scene in a few restaurants….I think there might be a lot of republicans in palm springs. Now that smoking is no longer allowed in restaurants what do they do with those old smoking sections? I think they should have sections for republicans and non republicans. This way the republicans would never be upset by my behavior and I would never get dirty looks.

To make matters worse… our waitress on our trip home told us she had just moved from Chicago to Hollywood… Then from Hollywood to Santa Clarita off Interstate 5 as she just wasn’t making it in Hollywood. We told her that her life was going downhill fast and soon her ass would be bigger than her future. I know its mean… but we couldn’t help it, shes the one that sold us on these delish margaritas that forced us to speak the truth. Hey, at least I left her a real tip and didn’t just tell her to not look at the sun. I'm getting better day by day, I swear!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

 

Phone Stalker!


This last weekend I think I had a stalker after me and found myself fearing my cell phone. The number of calls I get is scary enough as it is…when I get my bill its just pages and pages of calls. It’s like how on earth could one make this many calls? It’s ridiculous. But that’s a story for some other day. Saturday I was feeling a whole new kind of phone fear.

On Friday I had two missed calls from a New York number I didn’t recognize. Then when I woke up on Saturday morning early for work I had missed a call then too. I didn’t think anything of it as they are three hours ahead and probably can’t add. Everyone I know in Manhattan is gay so there is a high probability they failed math. If they did know math, they would add up all their nasty tricks and stop sleeping around, but that hasn’t happened yet. Anyway, I finally decided to check my voicemail (sometimes I don’t do this for days at a time). There is a message from some guy I don’t know, claims we met in Provincetown and then exchanged pictures and emails online, he wants to get together as he is in town for the weekend. For the next hour I rack my brain trying to figure out who this is… finally it comes to me.

It was some guy I picked up at the Spiritus pizza joint when the bars closed. And for those who haven’t been there, the bars close at 1 (lame, but its Massachusetts) and everyone heads to this pizza place for cheesy slices and cruising for tricks. It happened to be bear week in P-town on this particular night. So my little blonde self is sitting alone amongst all these beastlike hairy men and trying to get some food in me before I pass out in my drunk state. One of few non bear types comes over and wants to hook up, he’s good looking and I am wasted so I go for it. Bad sex period…enough said.

He called 4 times on Saturday. Now if you were traveling and wanted to see someone how many times would you call? I think twice would have been enough. But then again … who can blame him? I do have a cock worth its weight in gold and a five star ass. I am thrilled that he still thinks about it a whole two years later but six calls seems extreme. For those of you that would make such calls… My advice is to call no more than twice… otherwise you are just acting like a big fat looser. Your time is better off spent at the pizza place picking up a new trick and hoping their honey pot will be as sweet as mine!

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