Oh no she better don't!

I had an interesting visit to the wine country on Sunday. Thank goodness these aren’t places we don’t want to return to anytime soon as I am not sure they would want us back. As a fun outing surrounding my birthday weekend, 6 of us decided to explore a wine region not too far from where I had rented our house for the weekend. After a long champagne breakfast followed by champagne out on the back porch we jumped in the car to head over to Westside Road. This area is known as the Russian River Valley and Westside Road has around 15 wineries that usually produce delicious pinot noirs and chardonnays.

Our first stop was Roshambo Vineyards… Very cool place. My group being a little tipsy already had too much but isn’t that what wine tasting is all about? We had some trouble ordering the wines, spilled wine on the people next to us and sent glasses crashing to the floor. After laughing hysterically we finally pull it together and finish our flight. I pick up a few bottles of Rose and a case of red and move my group on to our next stop.

Next we decide to stop at Belvedere Vineyards, this place was probably my favorite of the three we visited. A short man with a pot belly and 49ers earrings is pouring wine for us today. I especially liked this guy because he only carded me in the whole group. It feels good to look like the youngest, especially when I was traveling with two 25 year olds. We begin tasting the wines when Pavel starts acting up. My Russian accomplice is usually very well behaved but this particular time he had too much and needed to stop drinking. So I take a handful of corks and we all start throwing them at him in an effort to calm him down. After a few minutes of cork throwing corks between taking sips of their delectable wines Pavel decides one of the corks would work well as a butt plug. He jams it down the back of my Diesel Jeans and into my crack as far as it will go. I cant possibly be tasting wines with a cork in my anus so I pull the cork out and put it back on the counter. As I see Mr. 49er Earrings watch in horror I decide its time for us to go on to our next stop so the other tasters can stop dodging flying corks. I pick up a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and head out with my possie.

The next stop was probably my least favorite. Once we walked in to Davis Bynam this rude gentleman behind the counter took one look at us and refused to serve two of us. I knew then that this stop wasn’t going to be very long. Finally he asked us to leave…. I guess it didn’t matter that they caught one of my friends urinating in a bush as we were already on our way out. I’m glad he pissed on their bush, they were rude and the wine wasn’t that good anyway. I still picked up two bottles, its only the polite thing to do.

Even if we were a little rowdy, we bought something at every stop. Aren’t these wineries in business to make money? If these people don’t want my business I will go find another vineyard who does! Wish me luck!! :-)

Next year I think I am going to throw my 31st birthday party at the Mountain Vista Farm up in Sonoma County. Since 1949 Mountain Vista Farm has offered hope and help to those suffering from alcohol and drug problems. Reason being is because I had a rather rowdy 30th birthday party over this last weekend and I think we might have drank a little too much. When cleaning up our rental house last night I was just amazed at how many bottles of various things we managed to empty. 20 of us were up there for not even a whole 2 days and we put away over 10 bottles of designer vodka, 3 bottles of tequila, 3 cases of beer, one pony keg, over two cases of champagne and countless bottles of wine. Additionally, we were drinking even more than that when we were not at the house.

I read an article online a while back about national alcohol consumption, the average person in San Francisco actually consumes more alcohol than any other area of the United States. I think it might be possible that just my friends drink enough to push up the average over New York, Miami, Los Angeles and even Las Vegas. A certain few of my peers went on a cruise last summer and apparently the passengers drank the ships entire stock of vodka, the boat even had to pull over in order to get more. One of the staff members on the boat mentioned to my friend that this ship had sold more at the bar in three days than most cruise ships sell in over a month. There is a bit of a trend going on here.

As I sit here feeling awful after two days of debaucheries, I am wondering to myself… how did my hair get soaked in lube? How did those Calvin Klein boxer briefs end up on that lamp? Will the hired maintenance get all the wine and pepperoni out of the Jacuzzi? Maybe we really do have a problem? So I went online and found a short screening test to help people determine if they might have a problem or not. I failed this exam with flying colors; it suggested I seek further assessment and professional help. Great…just what I wanted to hear.

I’m sure my friends and I would have a wonderful time together at the Mountain Vista Farm as I can have fun with them just about anywhere. But I don’t think they have a problem, and I don’t really want to them to change. I was especially proud of their resourcefulness when they dumped an entire bottle of Absolute into that morning’s leftover fruit salad and then poured that whole mix into a blender to make quite possibly the worst drink ever. I wasn’t even about to drink any but I did love watching them all enjoy it together. I love them drunk and sober, high and low, wet and dry, hot and cold. No matter what they do, I will always take pride in knowing quite possibly the best drunks in the business.

Last night I was lucky enough to go see Mariah Carey on her ‘Adventures of Mimi’ Tour. She had one stop in Oakland for her tour and boy are we glad she did! Thanks to this lovely girl I contacted through Craigslist, I scored some 12th row floor seats at cost so my Russian accomplice (Pavel) and I have been anxiously awaiting the big night for weeks. Now that it was finally here we got our best dresses pressed and hit the freeway over to Oakland with a bottle of champagne and two plastic champagne flutes. Mimi loves champagne so we figured it was not too early to get into the spirit and started right on the bay bridge.

Arriving at the Oakland Coliseum its clear we are not in the West Bay anymore, lots of interesting hairdos and outfits. One girl actually dyed half of her head yellow and the other side orange. The yellow side had been left hanging straight down… well, as straight as damaged dead hair can be, and the orange side was put into a side pony tail like what people did in the 80’s. I think this is the worst hairdo I have ever seen … EVER… and I have been around and out and about quite a bit. We make our way down to the floor and the opening act is already putting on some kind of show. Some black guy who calls himself Buster Rhymes is up on stage yelling with some other little black twerp. They have on matching outfits so they somewhat resemble Tweedledee and Tweedledum from Alice in wonderland. Only they look more like drag queens as their red shirts are so big they could be dresses and they are overloaded with sparkling bling bling bracelets and necklaces. While the two things on stage yell, white girls in the stands are swinging their hair around along with their junk in the trunk and shove down hot dogs. I am just glad these girls are finally getting some exercise. I think this is the worst concert I have ever seen… EVER… and I have seen a lot of concerts.

While waiting for Mimi to take the stage we head up to get some more drinks and a bite to eat. While waiting in the long line we befriend these two hot chicks that are visiting from Los Angeles. They flew up here on a private jet with some 65 year old sugar daddy to see the show. The line really is taking forever so we have lots of time to exchange stories on how we all have put out for old men just to get things like …well never mind. When we finally get to the front of the line all that’s on the menu is hot dogs and nachos. Is that all people eat in Oakland? They aren’t serving any beer because it’s warm and to top it all off there is more bad hair. WTF!? The bad hair sends us to another long line that has cold beer. So we decide to cut the line, I don’t care about the dirty looks from the badly dressed people, I want my damn beer and preferably before the show starts. The bartenders are slow as molasses but they sure were quick to throw us out of line. Then we try to complain to the management about the bad service but they so were not having it, lazy fucks! Good service is so hard to find these days! We went looking for beer and all I ended up with were LA hookers. By the time we get our drinks Mimi is on her way out so we bid farewell to our new friends and head back down to the floor.

I have always been a big Mariah Carey fan but this was the first time I have ever seen her live. Last night only made me love her more because she looks amazing and sounds even better. I feel like most of these big pop stars never sound very good live but Mimi is definitely an exception to the rule. She stands up there looking as hoochie as ever, hair blowing perfectly from the wind machine, takes her microphone from the stand covered in sparkling jewels and effortlessly hits the low to the high notes as only she can, WOW! The woman really is amazing, we are all very fortunate to have her here with us. Just the chance to hear one of the most talented singers and songwriters of our time made all the bad hair, food and company worth every penny. May Mariah live long and continue to share her gifts.