Tuesday, February 19, 2008

 

My 2007 Darwin Award


Just recently someone forwarded me an email about the winners of the 2007 Darwin Awards. For those of you who don’t know what those are, its pretty much a list of people who died doing stupid things over the last year. Topping last years list is someone who died from giving themselves a vodka enema to get drunk and two people who were found dead naked in the street because they were having sex on a steep roof and fell to their doom.

I’m not dead, but I think I had a few Darwin moments of my own last year. I could go on and on with the dumb things I do, (my thick beautiful blond locks run DEEP) but the one that certainly takes the cake was at the Folsom Street Fair back in September. It’s a warm Indian summer day South of Market and I am cruising around with my friends in a little leather jock strap and black harness as one does for Folsom. I’m enjoying the afternoon of sun, skin and skank with copious amounts of beer. As the day goes on the crowds grow, my better judgment shinks and the bathroom lines get longer.

These street festivals never have enough port-o-john toilets. Why should I stand be standing in line with a bunch of ugly people when the day is wasting? I’ve only got a few more hours to make sure as many people as possible get to see and feel my five star ass in this little black jock. Once the music stops, the street cleaners show up and all the revelers head to dark corners far too seedy for me. I’ve got to pee bad, and desperate times call for desperate measures. I grab one of my closest drunken acquaintances and head off the beaten path of the festival looking for a semi private place to drain my weasel. Ahhh… this spot will work fine.

I pull down my little jock strap, whip out big jimmy and the twins and take a deep breath, thank god we have some relief! As I am standing there during my pee, I can hear all kinds of noise. In situations like this you never know what kind of racket is directed towards you and whats not, most likely none of it is. All of the sudden, my buddy says “DAVID THEY ARE TALKING TO YOU!” “Huh? What?” This is when I look up and I realize my Darwin moment, I have decided to pee on a police truck full of cops. Yes, it’s true! And they are all looking out the window at me while I pee, threatening me on their megaphone that I will be arrested if I don’t stop urinating on their van.

Not knowing what to do, I just take off running (and peeing) into the sea of black leather and skin. Fortunately they didn’t chase me, maybe they did, but I didn’t look back. All I can think of at this point is that this is probably the dumbest thing I have done in a long time. I was so stressed about the whole thing, I needed another beer, so pulled $5 out of my boot and back to the beer stand I went.

I highly encourage everyone to raise a glass to your inner Darwin, get drunk, and screw. Just don’t do it in front of the cops or die. Cheers!

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