Friday, March 02, 2007

 

Dyke Drama!


Gay men and lesbians are both considered homosexual, one would think they get along…not so much. Even I, who gets along with just about everyone, have had a few conflicts with Lesbians. Now I try to engage in lesbian culture as much as possible, that is one thing I feel is missing from my life is a good lesbian buddy. I have two pairs of Birkenstocks, I like to camp and really enjoy the Indigo Girls. I even went to one of their concerts in support of the lesbians. The fact I showed up at the concert after taking three ecstasies in a muscle tank and ended up getting hit on by granola gays in plaid shirts is a story for another day. But regardless of my efforts to stay Switzerland with these girls they continually do things that spoil my fun.

I used to work with a lesbian at my last company, her name was Amy and she had a very butch she-man for a girlfriend. One year it was the weekend of gay pride. Amy had asked to leave early so she could go practice for the dyke march. Practice for the dyke march!? All they do is take off their tops and chase a beat up pick up with a large vagina in the back down the street while blocking traffic and waving vibrators in the air. How much practice can they possibly need for this? Anyway, my Jewish boss and his big nose gave Amy the permission to take off and go practice her march. Upon hearing this I asked the Jew if I could take off early to go practice my gay pride. All I got was a big no, and that I needed to stay and help cover the workload since Amy was going to be gone.

One night I had ventured out to the big lesbian nightclub with my possie of gays, breeder girls and boys. My roommate happened to be the DJ so we liked his music and wanted to support his groove. I’m glad we were all on the guest list because since I am not lesbian I really shouldn’t have to pay. Now in gay nightclubs the guys are free to use the ladies rooms otherwise they would just go unused and overcrowd the mens room. The same thing happens in the lesbian club, they use the mens rooms. But since they need like real toilets the mens urinals go relatively unused. Some of them try to squat over them… not my idea of a good free show. Even though all the lesbians are waiting for the mens stalls, I step right up to the urinal and pee. One particularly tough and angry dyke with a shaved head and a wife beater tank top got so upset that I didn’t have to wait in line threw me up against the wall and yelled at me. Now I am getting beat up just because I have a penis?

It was day two of an all gay cruise I took last year and on this particular day we had a full day at sea. So of course all us boys plan to enjoy ourselves in and around the pool all afternoon. But around noon that day we were all instructed to get out of the pool while the pool was covered with a large net. Apparently someone had broken their Corona bottle in the pool and someone had cut themselves. The whole pool needed to be emptied, cleaned and refilled, a process that takes three hours. This puts a huge damper on our pool fun. Upon further investigation, I found out that it was one of the lesbians that broke her bottle in the pool, they do get very messy when drinking. I walked right up to those butch women and said: “Lesbians! I am glad you are enjoying yourselves on our cruise, but if you are going to ruin our pool party then STAY ON OLIVIA!” (Olivia is the lesbian cruise line). They were very apologetic but what was done, was done! After waiting around for a while for the pool to open, I decided to have a few Coronas myself but having a pool party with no pool is no fun. I knew something had to be done. I told the Chinese pool man that if he opened the pool earlier I would bring him some sushi from the buffet (they didn’t have any pot stickers or orange chicken). My bribe worked and I even helped them remove the net from covering the pool. I was applauded around the pool for my efforts! Strangers even offered to buy me drinks as they were so impressed with my tact in dealing with the lesbians and the Asian pool help.

I am somewhat glad the lesbians were on the cruise as they did wear their flannel shirts and Tevas while helping the gays climb the rock wall. But for the most part these dykes are just messing up my day!

Comments:
i adore you for your politically incorrectness. favorite line: "my jewish boss and his big nose"
 
Oh honey -- it's always nice to get your blog posts! It's almost like sitting by you again!

XO -- KTZ
 
big daddy....

your writing is fun, simple, hysterical and fable like. i so enjoy lauging out loud to your stories. thank you so much for sharing.....

YOU ROCK!!!!

BIG MOMMA
 
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