Oh no she better don't!

This past weekend was one of my best girlfriends wedding up in Napa (same girl that I went to Cabo for her bachelorette party). Nicole and Olivier got married and had a wonderful reception at the Clos Du Val winery. Its probably one of the nicest wedding parties I have ever attended and it was a good time to be had by all. However one thing happened that I still to this hour cannot believe people can be so tacky.

Sitting in the large dining tent next to my date David and Tami a friend from high school they both asked me who was throwing corks at us. I had not seen the flying corks yet so I said I had no idea. Then one of the corks hit me! I look over at the big table next to us and there are two badly dressed obese women giggling and pretending like they don’t know what happened. I decide not to play this game so I just ignored it. Then a few minutes later I was standing up and these chicks threw a fork at me. YES…Threw a fork at my body! Even though they may not know that my esthetician recommends no flying objects at my face, throwing forks is still uncalled for.

Now to give you an idea of what this girl was like, this chick was trashy… she was wearing a halter top with tattoos on her arm to a formal function. Anyone with any class would know that this is the time you should cover up your tattoos. I don’t care whose baby daddy’s name it is, nobody wants to see it!

By this time in the night I am drunk enough so I throw the fork back at them. Granted it’s not very classy on my part but if she is going to throw silverware at people she better be prepared to get silverware thrown back. After I aggressively returned their fork I went back to my conversation and wine. All of the sudden my Riedel Crystal glass of cabernet explodes in my hand, wine and glass goes flying all over me and my friend. This bitch threw a table candle at us! Not only was the cabernet all over my brand new suit but the glass could have gotten in my eyes!

I marched right up to her and said: “Missy, I don’t know what side of the tracks you are from, but that wine glass costs more than your dress!” Then she claimed it was an accident. Whatever! I am not even sure these girls were really invited to the wedding. They might have been wedding crashers and chose to pick on my because I was so well dressed and with the best looking girls at the party. Fat chicks are becoming more and more unruly these days and need to be stopped. Think twice before you invite them to your parties, Not only will they eat everything in sight, they will probably harass your other guests. Having them around is not a good move!

This last weekend I found myself feeling like my life was an episode of girls gone wild again. But this time I was actually with girls, usually its a bunch of shirtless gay boys on drugs acting like girls gone wild. I've never been to a bachelor party (people say I am not missing much), I always get invited to the bachelorette parties and this weekend was one of them. We will just call the girls PP; Pussy Possie.

One of my girlfriends from high school is getting married this month so 7 of us headed down to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico to relax and cause a ruckus all at the same time. Now let me be clear here that my PP is very classy, there was no wearing of tacky vails and no surprise arrivals of cheesy strippers in banana hammocks. Now no bachelorette party would be complete without some obnoxious behavior so after sunning ourselves around the pool, the ocean and the swim up bar at happy hour we would head out looking for fun.

One of the spots we decided to hit is probably the most ridiculous of nightclubs ever created called El Squid Row, it's so ridiculous you cant not love it. This explains the photo posted here... While dancing on the table tops with my PP, Miss Mexican Shot Girl arrives with her Jello shots. Of course we all had to have one and this is me taking mine, its very gross and I almost throw up while she is blowing her whistle and pinching my nipples. A few jello shots later the table dancing just isn't doing it for us so we had to proceed to cage dancing and when that wasn't even good enough we started to pole dance. Even a lesbian tried to come pole dance with my PP! This dyke was very aggressive and needed to be sent away immediately.

After more non lesbian pole dancing my PP and I headed back down for more dancing on the tabletops. At this point one of the PP's male admirers wanted to join in the fun. We made him do a strip tease... So he does, strips off his belt and opens up his fly and waves his belt around. At this point I can tell he is just begging to be treated like the bitch he is so I take hold of the belt and just start flogging this little brat. At first I wasn't sure if he would turn around and slug me or scream like a girl... He actually liked it. It just goes to show, some men just love to be abused!